Deep Honesty...

A year, several weeks, and a few days has passed and my womb is still empty. I find myself mourning my freedom. I get the "enjoy your freedom now" or "just you wait" all the time. I stare at pregnant women, children in carts, babies--secretly begging Jesus to grant this desire. I want their insane lives, I want to corral children around a cart in the grocery store, I want what they have. My heart cries out to God, my womb aches to be filled. I struggle with connecting what my mind knows with what my heart desires. I know that God will give us children in His time, I know that He has a plan, I know that He is moulding and shaping me. I know that our Lord might have a different plan, I know that all things work together ultimately for His glory. I must find contentment and peace through Jesus. I put my trust in Him and only Him, He will see me through.


Ashley said...

Oh Michelle,this post made me cry. It is so difficult sometimes to understand our Heavenly Father's timing for things and to understand why he allows us to go through so many challenges and endure such hardships. I know that the bible teaches us that He will never give us more than we can bear but I also know that sometimes it FEELS like more than we can bear. I know that sometimes we can want something more than anything, something right, something good, and we can have so much faith and prayer, and things don't change. It is hard to understand. I don't know why you haven't been blessed yet with beautiful babies to spit up on you, and rowdy toddlers that throw themselves on the floor in the middle of JoAnns. You would be a perfect mama, and wear the spit up well, and handle the tantrums fabulously. After all you did have some practice handling my spirited behavior at times! If you were anybody else other than my good old "jelly" michelle, I probably wouldn't say this, because I know fertility/ babies/ motherhood is a sensitive subject, but I feel that we have gone through enough that I can say this without sounding to preachy or busy bodying. I know that you want to leave everything in Heavenly Father's hands, but I believe that we need to use the free will that He gave us, we need to choose sometimes to act, to act upon faith. You have faith in God, faith in motherhood, faith in rearing a righteous family. Now act, act by all means possible. God has blessed our generation with doctors with the skill and ability to help women conceive. Adopt, there are beautiful little blessings from God, who need a mother like you to nourish their soul and guide them to have a relationship with their Heavenly Father. You have a mother's heart. And that is a gift that God has given you. Now go forth and mother, there are children who are waiting for you, maybe some you will bake in your own womb, maybe you will have to get them from the bakery, a little joke to appeal to the cookie baker in you... just don't let anything stand in the way of your ambition for motherhood. God gave you this desire, and it is a good desire, now find a way to have it. Love you, Ashley

Bre said...

My Michelle,

Paul and I had been trying for just under a year when I finally got pregnant with Silas. I know our situations are VERY different, and I'm SO not trying to compare. I just want you to know that I know how it feels to want that so badly it makes you physically hurt :-(

I am praying for you with ALL my heart, my dear friend. I'm anxiously awaiting that phone call I know I'm going to get one day, one way or another, telling me Baby Ryker is coming soon!!!

You are going to be THE BEST mom, I know it! I can't wait to hear how you decorate YOUR nursery & prepare for you long awaited little one. I can't wait to see you and Paul as parents together ... it's going to be so cool!

I know you KNOW all of the right things, but I also know that "knowing" things doesn't make it any easier to apply them OR to make the hurt, anxiousness, etc. go away ... I am praying!

I love you!!!

Andie Johnson said...

I can't understand exactly what you're going through, but I know what it's like to want something so badly and to have to wait for it. We'll keep you two in prayer... I love you!